Two Years No Beers Follow Up Questions

Today’s post is a follow-up to my One Year No Beer and Two Years No Beers posts written specifically about my sobriety journey. I decided to ask you what you were most curious about, and these were the most commonly asked questions. I hope you enjoy reading my responses. I plan to write more about this topic moving forward because if I’ve learned anything in the last two years it’s that many of you are sober curious – very sober curious. If I can help just one person by shedding light on living an alcohol-free existence, then I am happy to do it.

Did you “relapse” and start drinking again after you quit?

This question is interesting because after thinking it over I came to the realization that I had been “quitting” for years, I just hadn’t realized it yet. My husband and I had tried a few strategies to reduce our drinking, like limiting a night out to three beers. Strategies like these inevitably fail because three beers is just enough to inhibit your decision making capabilities and sabotage a plan. My husband quit alcohol for a while years before we both quit, but I did not, and because of my inability to see alcohol consumption outside of the “alcoholic / normal person” binary, that ultimately failed as well. However, because I was still living under the assumption that alcohol is safe and in denial about it ruining my mental health as long as I drank it in moderation, I did slowly reduce my consumption and stopped drinking anything other than beer, or champagne on a “special occasion.”

I give all of these examples because over the years I did everything except actually quit. Because I was afraid of what life would be like and because I was afraid of what that might mean I was. Not because I was actually physically addicted. When I look back, I can see someone who was desperately trying to break free of alcohol, I just didn’t have the tools to do it yet.

Once I made the decision to quit, after years of alcohol being more of a problem in my life than something “fun,” I did so with 100% certainty and conviction. It was like going vegan. I had that symbolic last drink and that last slice of cheese pizza and off I went into the unknown – happily. To say that I quit “cold turkey” in either situation would really be a lie. I had been quitting alcohol for years, and I had been quitting all animal products ever since I went vegetarian. It was only a matter of time. So no, I have not “relapsed” since making the decision to actually remove alcohol from my life. And because I have never questioned my decision, I will remain sober.

Was it hard to quit?

There are two things I want to say on this topic. One: Not quitting and continuing to live a life you know deep down is wrong for you is exponentially harder than the very temporary discomfort of quitting. Two: It is hard at first, but that passes quickly.

What is actually hard are hangovers, and wasted time and potential. Fighting with your husband for no reason. Emotional instability, repressed trauma, depression, missed work, horrible periods, sabotaged healthy eating, and not exercising because of lack of energy. What is hard is letting your sense of creativity, imagination, and sense of wonder die in your skull. Work days that never end because of your fatigue and brain fog, and regularly hanging out with people or in places you can’t stand without the use of alcohol to numb you. Not being able to find joy and happiness in the “little things” (which are actually the big things) because your dopamine receptors have been trained not to – by alcohol. Those are the hard things. What is hard is knowing you could just stop but choosing not to, for years. I really want to emphasize that those things are what are actually difficult, because you’re perpetually trapped.

Quitting, on the other hand, was hard at first but is very temporary. It was not difficult on a daily basis, but the “firsts” were an initial struggle. The first wedding you attend sober, the first family gathering, the first party, the first holiday, the first night out with friends. Those will be hard. In the beginning I constantly had a mock-tail in my hand that I used as a safety blanket and a way to deflect conversation away from my not drinking. As a woman, this can be especially challenging because if I ordered a diet soda I got the: “Are you pregnant” question more than once. So I would go to the bar before anyone got there and order a soda water with a splash of cranberry and a lime. No one would even know it wasn’t a cocktail.

The weird thing about this is that my real friends were aware I quit and were supportive – this charade was something I put on for my own comfort, and for the comfort of people who really weren’t my friends anyway. Isn’t it strange how we’re so conditioned to think drinking is normal that we protect the feelings of those around us that do drink? I didn’t want to “make anyone feel weird.” Would you act this way with cigarettes? Pretending to smoke so that you wouldn’t make your smoker friends feel uncomfortable? What a strange concept.

So it was hard in the beginning. I created rituals at home to replace my beer at the end of a long day. Usually some type of sparkling water in a fancy glass with lemon. It achieved the same desire – helping me wind down with something fizzy – it’s all just part of a ritual. After a month, I didn’t do that regularly anymore, only when it really was a tough day at work or a sparkling water just sounded good. And I stopped going to events I didn’t want to go to, and hanging out with people I didn’t like. I stopped staying up late (because I hate it), I learned to say no to clients and their fundraisers (I will still donate, just not attend) and I started having real boundaries.

And just like that, after a handful of awkward dinners or parties, it became easy.

And not only easy, it became AMAZING. When you’re the only one able to get up at five am the day after an event to workout, have a smoothie and a quick magazine read, it feels better than good. When you go to Pilates and work on your blog on a Saturday morning instead of laying in bed all day, it feels amazing. When you can get all your office work done in one block of a few hours instead of spread out over the entire week, it’s magic. When you’re so productive you knock your work week down to three and a half days, it’s almost hard to believe that that time existed before and you were just wasting it. And that’s just the beginning. I will tell you it gets better and better as you grow into yourself and heal those parts of you that you used alcohol to suppress. I can sense that even two years in, I’m only just scratching the surface of discovering myself and what I’m capable of.

How do you deal with friends and/or family members that don’t support you or understand? Or people who give you a hard time or call you “no fun?”

One of the ways I realize now that I was quitting alcohol long before I quit is through the company I keep. Several of my closest friends do not drink alcohol, or drink very little. Alcohol and drug dependency and addiction is common on both sides of my family, as well as mental illness. So I also have several family members who have quit alcohol and drugs. I am very fortunate in that way – everyone seems to understand, or at least on some level, get it.

Because I haven’t had to deal with this personally, I cannot give you advice on what to do aside from tell them it’s the healthy choice for you, and that they should respect that, just as you are not disrespecting them for drinking.

I do and have however, dealt with comments like that regarding my choices to be vegetarian and then vegan. All I can say to that is if you know in your heart it’s right for you, the judgments they pass on you are simply a reflection of what they see as flaws in themselves or challenges to their own moral frameworks. Otherwise they wouldn’t care so much. In other words, when someone judges you negatively for evolving, changing, or growing into a new (and hopefully better) version of yourself, it is typically not about you. It’s about them, and the fact that they are having to confront their own growth, or lack thereof. Hopefully looking at it in that way helps. The “you’ve changed” comment shouldn’t have a negative connotation. I’d rather change than be the same person for the rest of my life.

Before I wrap this answer up, I did want to mention one more thing that I have experienced, and that is weird. When you get sober and no one gives you a hard time, but also NO ONE talks to you about it. Ever. For me personally, I write because it helps me to be creative and expel ideas that would otherwise spin around in my head until they drove me insane… with the intention that maybe those ideas can resonate with, and help others. This topic (which by the way has exponentially more readership than any other topic I blog about) is no exception. I love talking about sobriety and my choice to quit alcohol, but to this day, no one has asked me about it directly, or brought it up in conversation. I’m not sure if this is because people are afraid this will offend me, or are not sure how to start the conversation. But I know it’s definitely not because of lack of interest or curiosity. You all want to know about it. So I’d say, in order to normalize not drinking alcohol, don’t be afraid to ask your sober friend questions, or just talk about it like you would anything else.

Do you just smoke weed now instead (or use other substances)?

No. But this question can get complicated. Depending on what school of thought you subscribe to, I could be considered not sober because I still consume things like caffeine, the occasional Ibuprofen or CBD. At this stage, I’m all about defining sobriety for yourself, and for me personally, I choose not to consume anything that inhibits my ability to be productive in ways that bring me joy. I know that I cannot get high or drunk (or even a tiny bit “buzzed”) and enjoy listening to a record, or drawing, reading a good book, or writing an article. I become a blob of anxiety with the capacity to basically only watch The Bachelorette and sleep, and nothing more. I want to be able to work on my business, enjoy time with my husband – drive somewhere. I want to be able to start a new project, hang out with my dogs, watch a documentary or reorganize the house with energy and awareness that I just do not have when I have mind altering substances in my body. I feel like it robs me of a lot of my joy, mental health, and self love, and does not align with my lifestyle or beliefs.

That being said, I am aware that caffeine and CBD also alter your brain and mood, but I choose to regularly partake because I enjoy them and do not feel as though they are a hindrance to these goals. I plan to write more about this in the future because it is a complex topic, but for today we will suffice it to say that no, I did not simply replace alcohol with other drugs.

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BLM Shirt by https://www.carewears.co.uk

Other blogs you may enjoy:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/thereallifeveganwife.com/2019/08/17/one-year-no-beer/amp/

https://www.google.com/amp/s/thereallifeveganwife.com/2020/09/05/two-years-no-beers/amp/

Monthly Resource Collection: August 2020

Hello Readers!

This month flew by. Between going camping for my husband’s birthday (a nice break with absolutely no cell phone reception) and what seems like an endless list of work responsibilities since resuming operations, I simply haven’t consumed as much information. I found myself reading more as a quiet method of active meditation, and watching less. Sometimes the noise of the world becomes too much for me, and I just need extensive periods of quiet time or immersive time in a good book. I’m learning to be okay with that.

I also hosted my first unlearning.is.rad book club meeting, through Zoom of course. Because I redirected my book club to social justice themes, I will include our selections in monthly resource blogs.

I hope you will continue to find these posts useful, and inspiring.

-Liz, The Real Life Vegan Wife

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Books:

  • Born A Crime: Stories From A South African Childhood, Trevor Noah

Born A Crime is without question one of my favorite books ever. This wonderfully written memoir chronicles the early life of Trevor Noah – now the host of The Daily Show – during the dismantling of apartheid in South Africa. Noah tells much of the story through his mother’s experiences, which forms a more intersectional and personal narrative around topics of racial segregation, poverty, colorism, and sexism. “The personal is political” is woven throughout each chapter as systems clearly help to shape personal outcomes. I haven’t laughed or cried harder reading a book, probably ever, and I think everyone should read this.

  • So you want to talk about race, Ijeoma Oluo

*Book Club Pick

So you want to talk about race is an accessible introduction to topics like privilege, intersectionality, cultural appropriation, microaggressions, police brutality, and the school to prison pipeline. Oluo outlines effective ways to engage in difficult conversations about these topics, while also emphasizing the importance of presenting facts and explaining the real-world implications of incidents that many would consider isolated personal events, but are in fact symptoms of a greater and more complex racist system.

  • The Undocumented Americans, Karla Cornejo Villavicencio

Cornejo Villavicencio beautifully wrote this book to tell stories about people. People who have immigrated to the United States, people who are undocumented, people who cannot be simply defined as one dimensional “workers,” or “dreamers.” People who’s worth should not be tied to the word “workers” to make their existence more palatable, or to justify their existence as a human being. They are complex and emotional and flawed; they experience joy and sadness, grief and happiness. They live their lives, sometimes exciting, sometimes mundane, but these people are defined by more than what they can produce for a country that renders them invisible.

Bookstores to Support:

https://keybookstore.com

https://www.semicolonchi.com

https://eurekabookshop.com

https://bookshop.org/shop/Elizabeths

Notable Podcast Episodes:

  • America Did What?! W/ Blair Imani & Kate Robards, “Episode 1: Redlining and the GI Bill.” 7/3/20

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/america-did-what/id1519365900?i=1000485381107

This episode explains exactly what the GI Bill entailed and why many Black Americans were excluded from it’s benefits because of practices like “redlining,” and the far reaching implications of this systematic denial of government provided services.

  • The Robcast, “We Hung Our Harps.” 7/21/20

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-robcast/id956742638?i=1000485667858

This sermon-style talk helps name the feelings of grief and disillusionment many Americans are currently feeling as we strive for a better way of being and let go of what we thought we had.

*For an in-depth analysis of my feelings around this topic, see my post The Word of the Day is Lament: https://thereallifeveganwife.com/2020/08/08/the-word-of-the-day-is-lament/

Must Read Articles:

“Anthropologist Wade Davis on how COVID-19 signals the end of the American era.”

Women In Business Series: Lorena Alves Owner On The Lo Swimwear

1. Briefly describe yourself and your business.

Hey! Lorena Alves here. I am a 30 year old Brazilian native. I moved to Boston with my family in 1997 when I was seven years old. I went to The University of Massachusetts, Amherst and moved to Humboldt County after I graduated in 2013. I design for and run the company I own, On The Lo Swimwear. 

2. Tell us about what you sell! Why is your brand unique? 

We sell Brazilian versatile swimwear. On The Lo Swimwear is a brand for women by women. We advocate for fair wages and shop locally to support other small businesses. I design the swimsuits in California and send the designs to Giovana, in Brazil, who assembles and creates the pieces. I choose the colors and patterns and Giovana shops locally in Brazil for all the materials. In an effort to support both the American and Brazilian economies and honor my roots, we have chosen to create authentic Brazilian swimsuits in Brazil. 

3. Why did you specifically decide to design swimwear? 

All my life I struggled to find the the perfect bikini- one I’d feel comfortable and sexy and beautiful in. I used to buy bikini tops in the United States and bikini bottoms in Brazil because I’ve always loved their flattering cheeky cuts. I have been fond of swimwear forever! However, I never would’ve predicted that one day I would design my own suits! I noticed the lack of swimwear options in the area I lived in and decided to bridge the gap by providing flattering swimwear for women of all shapes and sizes. I used to say I wasn’t creative, but found my creative outlet designing swimsuits.  

4. Trying on and even wearing swimwear can be a challenging and vulnerable process for many people. How do you approach this challenge? 

I feel that because swimwear hasn’t been designed for women by women, we haven’t had cuts that are made to fit our bodies. This has created an uncomfortability around swimwear. At On the Lo we approach this challenge by creating comfortable, flattering, and sexy bikinis for all body types. We mix and match sizes and styles and can make custom bikinis for your precise measurements. Our suits are soft, flattering and accentuating. We also expanded our line to include non-cheeky cuts for the babes that prefer more coverage. We are all about empowering women to be confident in their own skin!

5. What is beauty to you? How does this idea translate into your swim line?

Beauty is confidence. Beauty is loving yourself and living in your divine feminine power while embracing your true self. Beauty on the inside is kindness, generosity and caring- letting your love shine through in all you do. We design suits that remind women of how beautiful they are! Our slogan:

Empowered, Genuine, and Free

represents the powerful queen that loves herself fully and lives in her truth. 

6. What is one valuable lesson you’ve learned from working with people of all different shapes and sizes, backgrounds and life experiences? 

Working with people of all different shapes, sizes, backgrounds and life experiences has taught me to appreciate authenticity and diversity. We are all so special and have our own paths, yet we can share and learn so much from one another. Working with a diverse population has taught me greater awareness, understanding, and acceptance of differing beliefs and customs.

7. What is one piece of advice you have for someone wanting to try your line? 

If you’re interested in trying our swimsuits don’t hesitate to contact us! I offer home visits where I bring you our inventory and help you find the perfect suit. Whether you like cheeky styles or more coverage, we have many styles for you. 

8. What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever gotten?

“If you love what you do you’ll never work a day in your life.” I love my job and the joy it brings, not only for myself, but for my clients as well! I am so thankful for the opportunity to dress so many women and to work and connect with them. I finally found a job where I am able to be creative but also make a difference in women’s lives. 

9. What has been the biggest challenge and biggest reward from owning your own business? 

The biggest challenge for me as an entrepreneur is time management. Sometimes it’s difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I have to keep pushing forward. As an entrepreneur it is challenging to navigate a new business and learn what to do, what not to do, and how to best delegate my time. The biggest reward has been the impact that my brand has created. I love reading my client’s testimonials and feedback. They inspire me to keep creating, and to keep the momentum going. I have met so many amazing people on my journey. I am forever grateful for them, and for the people I will meet in the future.

10. What is one book that changed your life? Why?

Can’t Hurt Me by David Goggins. This book taught me perseverance – it taught me to change my mindset and to keep going no matter what. Goggins shows us that our bodies are capable of doing much more than we can imagine. He transformed himself into one of America’s fittest athletes through self-discipline, mental toughness, and hard work. Goggins believes that many of us limit ourselves by operating at only forty percent of our true capability. Only when we callous our minds through the regular stepping out of our comfort zones can we move beyond it. We are stronger than we think! 

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https://ontheloswimwear.com

@ontheloswimwear

707-498-1832

Contact@ontheloswimwear.com